I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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