Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
