You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Still dying that you shit outside
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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