Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
