It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
