There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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