So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
