i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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