would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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