Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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