Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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