I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
