I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
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went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
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You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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