Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
