I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
