Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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