I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
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