is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
