we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
