He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
