hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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