Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
