All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
