I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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