you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
