My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
