I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
