At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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