my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
