I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
