She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
