apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
