I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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