Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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