Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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