Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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