apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
