I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Mom said you looked used
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize