I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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