pop tarts are not kleenex
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
