it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
