your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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