The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
