these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
