she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
