i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
