Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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