All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
