Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
