The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
