Yo dont text me then not text me
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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