You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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