I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
