she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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