Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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