WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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