drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
PANTIES FOUND
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