just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
